Why am I struggling to build relationships at work?

This is a question that a lot of people ask themselves, and can affect a lot of us at work. 

Whether it’s their colleagues or their clients, many people in this world wonder why there's certain people they can't get along with and don't understand. 

You might ask yourself from time to time: 

 Why is it that I can only get along with certain types of people? 
Why is it that type of person or that individual in particular winds me up?
And, why am I struggling to bond with my teammates? 

It's not unusual. So, if you’ve asked yourself any of these questions before, watch the video below or read ahead - as I’m breaking down why we can all struggle to make bonds and how you can overcome this, by developing a deeper understanding of yourself and others.

Why am I struggling to build relationships at work?

There are so many different types of people we come across, especially in jobs like recruitment, sales, or customer-facing jobs, where you are meeting a wide variety of people every day. As you would expect, to get to know and understand a person quickly, how they like to be communicated with, for example, or for them to understand you can be extremely difficult.  

In recruitment, our role is built on the strength of our relationships. It's important we try to understand the people we interact with because without that, and without the relationship we build, are we going to have the best opportunity for success in our industry? 

It's important for a lot of us to have these strong relationships, not just for our own sense of self and to feel good, but for the success of our work as well.

The reason it is often hard to build relationships with some people is because they're so different to us. You'd be very hard-pressed to find somebody that is exactly the same as you in every aspect - who is motivated by the same things you are, communicates in a way you like, and takes on challenges as you would. And I mean, very hard-pressed. 

Nearly every interaction we make is led by a lot of assumptions, we assume that people like to be communicated with in the same way as we do. For example, we assume they like an email to be written the same way or a text or if we prefer a phone call, we’d choose to make one, this could be someone else’s worst nightmare. There are also a lot of misunderstandings that can happen, in particular, when you work as part of a team that can result in conflict. These factors can cause you to struggle to build a relationship with somebody or to find a common ground. And all it is, is people pushing against each other.

When I run my team building sessions, at the start of the first session, I get everybody to stand up and do a really quick and simple exercise where they push against a colleague's hands. This simple exercise is symbolic of how, when somebody pushes against us, our instinctive reaction is to push straight back. And this is often what happens with communication. 

There are huge differences between people who are outgoing and those who are more reserved. There are also differences in people's priorities. And this is where the real conflict can creep in. Some people prioritise things like tasks over people and some are the other way around, prioritising people over tasks. It's not to say that ‘people focused’ people don’t think about completing tasks, because they will, but their priority is slightly different. 

For example, I'm very task focused. When I worked in an office, I would go to work, to work. I wouldn't necessarily be very chatty in the staff room in the morning. I'd grab my coffee or tea, go to my desk and get started. People that were more focused on people might have seen that as rude or thought that I didn't value our working relationship. This wasn't the case at all, but can you see how a really simple misunderstanding could start to burn bridges with the relationships you have or that you’re building? It can work the same way with your clients.

How can I build better relationships?

So, how can you start to build better relationships with your team and clients? One of the ways is by using a behavioural profiling tool called DISC. 

Now, if you haven't heard of DISC before, DISC stands for four different styles or behaviours.  

D styles are dominant, driven, very direct competitive people that like to be leaders.
I styles are very influential, inspiring, very interactive, and positive people. They love being around people and are very sociable. 
S styles are steady, sensitive, and sentimental, great team players who are extremely reliable as well.
And finally, you've got C styles who are cautious, careful, and very conscientious. They like facts and figures, high-quality work, and they are great at analysing things. 

That's a very, very brief overview of the four different styles. 

By taking a DISC assessment, you find out what styles you are, which massively enhances your self-awareness. Then you can start modifying and adapting your behaviours to suit the people you interact with. You start to recognise what other people's preferences might be and be more equipped with an understanding of why anyone coming into work and going straight to their desk isn’t being rude, or they don't like you, they're just more task-focused than you are - and that’s okay!

The business benefits of DISC

Let’s consider the benefits to your team. If you all know and understand more about your own personality styles, as well as each other’s, it's a huge win for team cohesion. 

You can start utilising individuals and their strengths by putting them into the right roles with the right people. You can tackle challenges easier as a team because you KNOW each other better. Managers can adapt their management style, so they can really tap into how to get the most out of each unique member of their team. 

The result will be less opportunity for conflict to grow. No matter what, there’s never going to be the perfect team that never falls out, things will still go wrong, but you can definitely improve the chances in preventing those kinds of situations. 

Now, the overall benefit for your organisation is you are going to have a higher performing and more successful team, which is great for any business. You’ll also see an increase in staff retention, as people will feel heard, valued and understood, leading to an improvement in the culture of your business too.

In DISC, we say that anybody can do any job, they are just going to do it differently. So it's great for diversity and inclusion too. You’ll start to value it's not only one type of person that can do a job. Anyone can do it, it's appreciating the different ways they'll do it. 

I’ve worked in jobs dealing with customers all my life, when I finished university, I started my first proper full-time job in a call centre selling insurance products. When I think back to that version of me at 22 years old, I didn't really have great self-awareness and I definitely didn't fully appreciate the differences in people. Obviously, I knew people had different personalities but I didn't recognise how much it could affect relationships and communication.

I remember when I first started, being myself, being that direct, straight-talking girl and there were some people I worked with and would make calls to that I just couldn't gel with, I couldn’t connect with them, or sell to them and I thought they were difficult and awkward. Looking back, were they difficult or awkward or were they just different to me? 

The answer to me now is simple, they were just different to me, and there's nothing wrong with that. I learnt to adapt my behaviour, if somebody came on the phone, and they were a bit more reserved I’d tone down my communication. This is when I started seeing my sales go up. At the time, I didn't really understand the lengths of what I was doing. I didn't know about behavioural models and DISC, about the tools that could basically help you understand yourself and others better and the benefits of adapting your communication. 

I was just doing what I thought was right for that job. 

I did it again when I went into recruitment, I went into a new role and forgot to apply those same principles and sometimes struggled to build relationships with colleagues, clients and certain candidates. I couldn't understand why maybe that client ghosted me, all of a sudden, or why a candidate didn't want to speak to me.

Once again, when I realised I was maybe being too much for that person or not taking things at their pace, that's when I started to see a difference. However, I still didn't truly tap into fully modifying my actions and really enhancing that self-awareness, until I discovered DISC.

If I had discovered DISC earlier in my career, 100%, I would've been even more successful, because for me, it's been an absolute game changer to my life. Not just in my business or the work I do with my clients and the people I coach and train, but the relationships outside of that as well. It's been like having a magnifying glass on my brain, in a way, understanding myself in minutes instead of the years I feel it took to only half understand myself.

So, I'm talking from a place where I know the benefits and have witnessed the results, I've seen the difference in myself, from being in a position where I've also struggled to build relationships, to being able to take a step back and take a moment to think, what's going wrong here and how can I adapt my own actions to solve that?

So, what’s next?

At this point, I’m hoping you already have a better understanding of how you can improve on building better relationships at work. 

If you want to learn more about DISC, I'm actually a licensed trainer. So if you'd like an individual profile for yourself or a DISC team building day. Get in touch with me to book a call and learn more about the DISC services that I offer. 

Want more free tips, tricks, and advice? Check out my YouTube channel for more content just like this.